im stressed. theres no way around it.

im three weeks behind in school work, ive got a now clingy boyfriend. a sinus infection, and massive migraines.

i feel like crying all the time. except for when im happy, which happenes and itsseverely happy to the point where i exhaust myself. i sleep 12-18 hours a day.

whats wrong with me? i cant hardy get out of bed most days. i feel so sad and overwhelmed.

i cant change my story, rom what it was i felt

any guy with a pretty voice, and im sure to melt

i tried to change my ways, but babe, im so predictable

predictable, thats me

hey baby wanna use me?

gotta be... unpredictable

my taste in guys, was kinda smut,

dating guys who'd cheat with a slut

i never stopped to think, im so predictable

i found a guy who "understood", who only wanted me, he heard i was good

once i realized how predictable that i was...

my life crashed down, on me

standing up with confidence got so hard with all of you

cause youre all predictable

i dont want predictable in life,

i wanna jump around, get down, love laugh, hype,

youre not the only one for me.. baby

so this is goodbye..

(was that predictable enough for ya?)

(you didnt see that coming?)

unpredictable, thats me,

good luck tryna use me, you will only lose me,

im so.. unpredictable

ohhhhk.

so, it was. really nice to talk to someone who acknowledged me. who told me i was pretty and confident and how lucky M was. didnt he realize it? apparently not. i tried to talk to him. only once. maybe i wasnt clear enough? either way, M figured i was going to break it off, and i was tired of feeling like crap. i felt terrible about breaking up with him, but i hid the feelings just as well as i hid my fears and whatnot about J. which, even after a year and a half, still get to me. alot. M wouldnt ever talk about it. R would. still will. so, M started saying things about me. not that i knew. or that i would have cared. i was still in the avoidance stage. which, back when he first told me he liked me, is exactly what hed do. hed talk to me on msn and be all like, ohhh, ill hang out with you tonight. then completely ignore, even if i spoke to him. i threw myself into new friends, new smniles and new feelings. however, you cant cover up the old ones too. he came online and told me hed said some terrible things about me, and would i forgive him? obviously not. i should have. i should have forgiven him, blocked him off msn, taken him and the ones i went to high school with off FB right then.  thats when it started. i was soo pissed. i started saying things about them, things i shouldnt have said... not all of it was true, but also not all of it was false. to K, i am sorry. i should have left you alone. and after awhile i lost interest in all of them. R and i got serious after like... two and a half months, i was soo unsure but, i figured M was over me after everything hed said about me. apparently not. so im still getting ditched on because i need to be happy. well, sorry. maybe in your next relationship, youll not ignore her, and youll talk to her, and not forget to call her.

of course, maybe in your next relationship, she wont be "a cunt".

anyways. since ive gotten on the antidepressants im happier, im doing soo well in school. the only thing i dont like is Shill.

Peace xoxo

seriously. what the fuck is soo wrong with me that i cant ever be happy? i blame myself, and my first serious boyfriend, we can call him "J". two years he spent fucking around with me. way to fucking go you bastard. i spent alot of time popping pills and contemplating suicide. and all the random guys i dated, and the jerks i went to highschool with who put me down all the time and made me feel like shit. good job guys. then i get with  great guy, one of my best friends who  thought i loved,[even though for the first three months we dated he only talked to me on msn] but then one night i get a text message that reads " you make everything seem like its my fault". did i do that? i didnt think i did. i took blame for everything, i took shit off everyone. so, that pretty much wrecked my summer, i worked more and more, and went out less and less. he didnt seem to care cause he never called when he said he would and just assumed everything was always ok. so a guy i used to go to school with started talking to me and everyone told me to stop being a skank. i wasnt fucking doing anything. so this guy i was dating, we can calll him "M", and this other friend we can call "R". R told me i was pretty one night, i started spending more and more time with him cause it was just nice ro be able to talk to someone who had so much in common with me and didnt want just sex.

more later, im stressed and angry right now.... cant wait toget out of shill

It's been a while, Since I could hold my head up high, and it's been a while, Since I first saw you, It's been a while, since i could stand on my own two feet again, and it's been a while, since i could call you, But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem, the consequences that I've rendered, I've stretched myself beyond my means
It's been a while, since i could say that i wasn't addicted and, It's been a while, Since I could say I love myself as well and, It's been a while, Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do, It's been a while, But all that shit seems to disappear when i'm with you, But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may, seem, the consequences that I've rendered, I've gone and fucked things up again
Why must i feel this way?, just make this go away, just one more peaceful day
Its been awhile, Since I could lok at myself straight, and it's been awhile, since i said i'm sorry
It's been awhile, Since I've seen the way the candles light your face, It's been awhile, But I can still remember just the way you taste, But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem, I know it's me i could blame this all on you, cause you did your worst with me,  
It's been a while, Since I could hold my head up high, and it's been a while since i said i'm sorry

i havent heard that song in forever.....

just every so often, i feel like the world has turned on me. like i might never feel warm again. then, something happens, and people make my day. in my previous post, [eyesthebye] was kind enough to leave me an encouraging post. thank you muchly. you definetly made a difference in my life.

now, for all that less important trash....   Britney Spears!! who watched the mtv music awards last night? can you say icky? she lip synced, and not that well. and the wardrobe malfunc... what? that was her stage outfit..... ewww. thats enough to cause nightmares. lets face it brit. you just dont have it anymore. ive heard the rumours, about umbrella, supposedly was written for you, and justin timberlake offered to help you restart your career. hah! you know what i think?

i think its my turn to take your spot, lady. ive got more passion for singing and dancing than youll ever have had in your entire life. sorry to sound self centred. but at least i can sing. and dress myself. and shower. honestly, her hair looked nasty! this is one of those things were i want to shut myself away from the world, because it almost ruined my life.  

anyways, its ten thirty, and ive got eight thirty classes.

ta!